things to come

bryleigh has all the sudden come up with this fear of the bathtub. when we run the water she immediately screams, even if it isnt for her... that oddball.. just like her momma!! hah

Tomorrow is my big day.. im getting my lovely root canal. *for this i am not thrilled.. for the break and the kiddos going to the babysitter for the day, i am excited... i love love love my babies, but itll be my first time without them in i cant even remember how long. so i am excited for my alone time.

I am loving, LOVING this pretty weather.. It did just start today, but it is so exciting because i know it is a start to something new.. Its a start to park visits, outside play, long walks, gardens growing, swimming, and everything great. It was soooo ogreat not having to put coats on the girls, or blankets all over brooklynn when we left today, AND i got to wear flip flops.. love it love it love it.

and finally the last thought i have for the night is this.... My best friend in the entire world, Cecily will be coming here in May. No, i will not get to see her because she will be in boot camp for the army. She has been my "person", my best friend in the entire world since we met in the nursery at church when she was 2 weeks old or so. We have been through EVERYTHING together, and so the fact that she is coming out here brings me peace. She will graduate from boot camp the beginning of July, and i will be in the front row at her graduation. And then she gets to go to school for her army job in missouri also.. and during that time i will get to see her every weekend. This summer might actually be okay. My missouri friends list will move from 1, to 2 people. CRAZY! lol. such happy times to come.

church hunt.

So weve been here for almost a year and we havent been able to find a church yet. This is an extremely big mormon area.. lots of different branches of mormon churches out here. The church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints, the church of jesus christ of latter day saints restoration branch, etc... I feel like there is one on every corner. Theres even this huge center, and this really big plot of grass where supposedly God is supposed to return to when he comes back. (I think thats what they believe that is what Wes says).. well anyways. I have nothing against them, its just not my beliefs or anything i have ever read or been taught.

Well i was researching some of the church of christ churches out here, and a few of them follow the book of mormon. So immediately i have those off my list in "the hunt"..

And then we found one.. I just knew it was THE ONE.. i was so excited... It even had a softball field behind it.. so i knew that meant they probably would have a team. Looked so nice and prestine from the outside.. I looked forward to sunday the entire week. I get up bright and early, dress the girls SO cute in their sunday dresses and we headed out. When we got there we were immediately greeted by a young couple before we even walked in the door.. They had 3 small children, and she was pregnant, so i thought to myself "GREAT!! I BET THEY HAVE A GREAT KIDS PROGRAM!!"
I asked the mother which way was the nursery.. and she looked at me kinda puzzled and she said.. the kids all sit out with the families.. hmm.. well with bryleigh and brooklynn who was about 3 weeks old at the time.. this should be interesting...
So we walked in to the main area and she showed me this room, and said "this is the cry room, so if your baby starts to cry you go in there"...
well to make a long story short, i hardly heard any of the sermon due to all the kids sitting out, bryleigh was very busy and couldnt stand having to sit still for an hour, and it was non-instrumental. Not "the one"... :(
So anyways, i have researched all the church of christs in the area, and there is one left that we havent gone to which we will be trying out Sunday... I really hope this is it. I've never had such a hard time before trying to find a church. I understand the concept of all the kids sitting with their families at church, but when kids are as small as mine, i cannot pay attention. My attention span is small enough as it is.

I feel like i am being too picky when it comes to a church. I would really like to find one that has communion every sunday, a new testament church, and has a good kids program/nursery. I can live without instruments, but not a nursery.

On the Menu

I love to cook. I spend a lot of time thinking about what i wanna cook, searching recipes, and learning new things when it comes to cooking. Helps pass the time when babies are napping, and i find cooking to be very relaxing for me. Lucky for me, i married a man who will eat anything. Besides tomatoes, he will literally eat anything. Bryleigh on the other hand is a different story. Everyone with a toddler knows the "joys" of feeding them. My baby who used to eat anything like her daddy, now wont even look at a carrot or brocolli.. She will eat green beans for every meal, with a big smile though, so thats good i guess. As a matter of fact, im pretty sure bryleigh gets green beans and applesauce daily lol. Whatever i have cooked for dinner we always try really hard to get her to eat, but somedays it just wont happen. Anyways, on Saturdays i like to plan out the meals for the next week, and i go grocery shopping to get the things we dont have already for those meals... So heres whats on the menu for the Kastners this week:

Sunday- Spicy teriyaki chicken stir fry over rice. We love rice, we eat rice way too much. We have switched to brown rice though it is better for you than white rice.

Monday- my homemade meatballs on top of spaghetti. We eat spaghetti a lot too.. its been my favorite meal since i can remember. i used to tell my mom that if she fixed it, i would eat 12 bowls. And as for meatballs, sometimes we just have meatballs by themselves. love those too :)

Tuesday- Taco bowls with guac-a-salsa salad.. this is a recipe i got from rachael ray.. its one of our favorites.

Wednesday- Chicken wing night- we have wing night about once a month. We try to create a different marinade for them each time we have them.

Thursday- this is the night we typically go out for dinner. If we dont go out, we eat leftovers. its my "day off"

Friday- Vegetable Beef Stew. or as wes calls it "vegetable beast stew".. something he got from how the grinch stole christmas. I love love love love love my crockpot. We use the crockpot very often. I love being able to put something in first thing in the morning, or oeven the night before and being able to smell it all day.. num num..


Saturdays are kinda fin for yourself day.

SOOOO TIRED

I am having a hard time tonight. A really hard time.

I am very outspoken. If something is bothering me, i have no problem getting it out. I am very outspoken to a fault. Something that i express often is how much i dislike being here. It is not any person that makes me dislike it here. It is simply the things that i dont have here that makes me dislike it so much.

I am so so tired. I am so tired and i feel like i have no where to turn. I have no options when it comes to a break. I am a mother of two very small children. Two beautiful, smart, sweet little girls that i am so proud to call mine. I am not complaining about all the wonderful time that i get to spend with my kids. They are and will always be the best part of my day. But like i said, I am so tired. Wes' job requires a lot of really long days. Most of his days are really long days. He gets up before Bryleigh, and gets home after her bedtime on most days. If i dont want to eat dinner alone, i have to wait until 9 pm to eat, which is fine i guess, just later than what is ideal. By the time he gets home i am exhausted. A 15 month old and a 3 month old really is a challenge. I read lots of blogs, and lots of peoples status updates about how their kids are with grandma, grandpa, auntie so and so, etc. and these things make me jealous. I hate to admit that, but its true. The one person out here that does see them works a massive amount of hours and its really hard for her to be able to see them. So i feel like i have no where to turn. Sure wes is home on the weekends when he doesnt have to work saturdays, and that is such cherished time. I feel like i blink and the weekend is over. I dont have people here that i know well enough to ask for help.

and i need help sometimes.

I guess i am focusing too much on the things that i dont have.. What i do have is my girls. I have my husband and my girls. and the world wide web to vent to. thank goodness for those things.

Anyways, i dont know where im going with this. I'm a horrible blogger. i just say what im thinking. this is what im thinking, and now im too upset to type more so im going to bed lol.

Happy Travels

Wow, what a long week we just had. The last 9 days we spent on a vacation. We decided to drive to virginia with the babies. We thought it would be easier to have our own car there. Easier on us, is not always whats easier on the babies. The gps said we spent a total of 59 hours in the car in the last 9 days. 59 hours. That is way too long!! i felt so bad for my babies. However, i do think they were better than i could have ever imagined on that trip. Brooklynn only cried for maybe 5 minutes of the entire 59 hours, and bryleigh's fussing was very minimal. She only fussed when the dvd player froze. So i am soooo thankful for that.

I had a great time at home. I missed everyone so much. I forgot what it was like to have people to make plans with, friends, family etc. It felt great. It was an excellent "pick-me-up" for me. (i think wes had fun too) lol

Anyways, I have a lot that ive been wanting to write about on here, its just hard to find the time with a 14 month old and a 2 month old.

Its 9pm on a Friday, and we are about to go to bed lol. am i old or what!!!

on the outside

Do you ever feel like you are on the outside looking in? Thats how i have felt the whole time we have lived out here....

I have friends at home. I have great friends. I have several friendships that i have had since i was a baby. I have one great best friend that i have been BEST friends with since we were in diapers. I have several other very close friends that i grew up with. I have friends from college years, and friends from post college. back home.

I have family at home. I have a great family at home. I have that kind of family at home that it doesnt matter what youve done, or who you are, you are loved and accepted. I have a family that includes everyone, and that is there for each other no matter what.

I am a part of these two "groups".. I am a member of these friendships, and of that family. I am not the "new kid" trying to find my place, trying to fit in, in those groups. I hate feeling like the new kid. I am no good at being the new kid. I am a very extroverted person when it comes to a lot of situations. But when it comes to meeting new people, i am extremely introverted. When it comes to getting to know new people, i am no good. Especially when it is a group of people, and me. I feel like the odd man out, even if im not.

Wes has a hard time understanding this. He has these friends here, these few girls that he grew up with that he wants me to become friends with. He gives me their phone numbers and expects me to just call them up and say Hi im wes' wife wanna hang out? Well i cant do that, i wont do that. I'm just not that kind of person. I guess i could go to one of those Mommy and me groups, but here we go again, thats a group of people that probably all already know each other, and im back to square one anyways, with being the new kid.

Anyways, for all these things there is no one to blame but me. I complain a lot about not having anyone out here, but i tend to make it that way. My shyness and insecurities i guess. I guess i'll just always be on the outside out here.. At least i have a little group that i do belong to, with my girls :)

decisions decisions...

I am having a huge internal struggle on if i want to return to work or not. From an outside view, many people say "well if you are able to stay home with your kids, you should"... and i can see their point, big time. I love my girls so much. Every giggle, every smile, all of it lights up my life. I get sad at the thought of missing anything. Bryleigh has become one of the smartest children i have ever met, and i think it has a lot to do with all the one on one attention she gets from me staying home. She is 14 months old today, and she has been saying complete phrases since she was 11 months old. She says "whats that" (wassat), all gone, all done, get down, hi daddy, and many other words already. She has already pee peed in the potty a few times, and KNOWS that is what she is supposed to do. She is just an all around happy baby, and everytime we go out i get at least one compliment on what a huge personality she has because she wants to talk and wave and laugh at everyone she sees. I cant go to the mall without bryleigh saying "hi da da" to every man she sees. EMBARASSING!!! lol. Brooklynn is a very happy baby. and if i go back to work i know i will miss so many of her milestones.. Rolling over, her first word.. i am not guaranteed to be able to witness those things working all week. All of these things seem to make this an easy decision, but they dont.

If i go back to work, that will be extra income coming in to be able to put away for the girls college. We want to buy another house when we move in 2 years, so we would be able to save a nice down payment for that also. Another thing is, i have zero friends out here. I get really stressed out because i stay cooped up in the house all the time and i feel so lonely. I know i have my husband, and he is wonderful, but sometimes you just need your friends ya know.. I guess that is a selfish thought, wanting friends and people to be able to get out of the house with. i dont know. I just feel like if i had a job i would be able to get out of the house sometimes, and meet some people easier.

I am a lot happier lately with going to the gym 4 times a week. I was extremely depressed (i hate that word) for a while because everything going on with my mom was definitely making post partum depression come out really bad. i have been able to really distance myself from that situation, and it has helped a lot also.. But thats a whole other blog entry that will have to come another time when im ready to talk about all of that. Anyways, well bryleigh is awake, I can hear her talking in the monitor so it sounds like shes ready for me to get her up :)